My mom wrote the poem: “The KLS Episode” when KLS was at it’s worst for me. I hope this helps!
The KLS Episode
Today my daughter lost her soul
There is no emotion
There is no understanding
There is only sham rage
A rage she does not control but
That controls her
It is directed at me only because
I care for her
If she were alone, it would be directed
At thin air
I love her with my entire being
Today my daughter sleeps
The sleep is not restful
The dream is a nightmare
It lasts for days, or weeks, or months
Life for her is lonely
Life for her is cruel
She is a prisoner in her own mind
Can you imagine the torture she must endure?
I love her with my entire being
Today my daughter is swollen
Her face and eyes are puffy
Her pupils are dilated
Her sclera is yellow
Her tongue is thickened
Her body is bloated
Her color is gray
Her heart palpitates
She cannot care for herself
She is vacant
She is distant
She is unsure
She wonders, “Am I dead or am I alive”
“Is this real, or am I dreaming?”
Her short-term memory is destroyed
Her relationships are destroyed
Her dreams are destroyed
Her life is destroyed
I love her with my entire being
Today my daughter asks, “Why was I put on this earth?”
She says, “I can’t do this anymore.
“I don’t want to live.”
“I want to die.”
“I want peace.”
“I want to be in heaven with God.”
Tears roll down my face too!
I can’t answer her questions
But I continue to give hope
“It will get better,” I say
“It will go away one day.”
“You will live the life you desire and deserve.”
I love her with my entire being
Today my daughter went for help
The hospital staff makes assumptions
How can the medical field not understand an organic illness in the brain is no different than
An organic illness in the heart, or the pancreas, or the lungs
They ask, “Why are you here?”
“There’s nothing we can do for you”
Then they call social workers in
If we’re lucky, my daughter won’t be committed
I can care for her better than any psych ward
What shame!
I wonder why they’re even in the
Business of helping people
I go home to care for my daughter alone
Isolated from the world
I love her with my entire being
Today my daughter begins life again
Her soul returns
She is young, maybe 3, maybe 5, maybe 10
She’s cute and sweet
She’s funny and mischievous
She’s loving
Her emotions return
She can care for herself again
She can read again
She listens to music
She is waking up from this long, awful nightmare
I love her with my entire being
Today I hear the words, “Mom, I’m awake.”
My sleeping beauty returns
The words are bittersweet
Sweet because we know she’s back with us again
Sweet because she can live again
Sweet because she can function again
Bitter because she’s lost her memory
Bitter because she lost more time
Bitter because she lost her self
Some memories come back in flashback form
Which is itself torture
In healing comes pain
But we’ve already been through so much pain
When will it end?
Maybe this will be the last one.
I love her with my entire being.
By Diane Wong
